I'd like to think that I am pretty efficient in my morning routine. In fact, I would go so far as to say extremely efficient. Ridonkulously efficient, even? I time every motion I make from the time I wake up and get out of bed to the time I get to my desk at work down to the minute. I am like a well-oiled machine. At least I used to be. I don't know where the sidestep was. Whether it was that I became lazy or got a girlfriend or started receiving back payments on bad karma, I can't tell you, but despite my best intentions, I CANNOT get to work on time. When I lived in Baltimore, I had no transportation of my own except my feet. This meant taking the walk to the bus, taking the bus to the train station, taking the train to DC and taking the Metro to my office. All in all a 2.5 hour trek. I timed that if I could wake up at 5:45 each morning, I could be at my desk, at the earliest by 8:30, when my bosses would arrive (that is, if I hit literally every lucky break, like the conductor forgets that he has to stop for the other stops.) This meant pour coffee and let cool down while getting ready, a 7 minute shower, get dressed in 3 minutes, eat breakfast and drink coffee in 4 minutes, put tie on in under 1 minute, grab bag and be out the door by 6 AM.
These days, you would be shocked and awed to see me up before 7:45. Make that 8. I live literally less than 3 miles away from work, about a block away from the Metro and on one of the least crowded subway lines in the District. So, why on Earth would I be getting in LATER than I would when I had that two-and-a-half hour commute to worry about? It's one (or a combo) of three things:
1. New girlfriend in the picture = harder to get out of bed in the morning
2. I had no life back then
3. The Karma Police have come gunning for me
Now let's at least try to deconstruct the last one. The thing that motivates me to get to work in the morning more than anything else is not because I can't wait to say hello to all the attorneys and ask them how their weekend was and how much more their wives hate them. It's the digital time card. You have to sign into your computer, sign on through an Internet portal, wait for your dinosaur computer to gain speed to launch the certain Java app because Windows XP is just way too processor-intensive, and click Clock In! (Smiley Face) The program is insufferable because it counts off in incriments of fifteen minutes, but gives you a 7 minute grace period between each. That sounds great until you are at your desk at 9:37, focused so hard you could be shooting mind bullets at your screen as it attempts to load the clock in button. It finally does load, but before you can click the button, the time changes over to 9:38. (And then someone calls about the TPS Reports...)
So, this is why I try very hard to get to work promptly. It's not that I expect to DO anything for the first couple of hours. But if I get the chance, I'd like to leave before sundown. Because of the Federal Full-Time Alotment of Wage Workers Time Per Week Act, we all must work a precise amount of hours each day, even if we are way ahead of ourselves For instance, we have 90 hours by Thursday, Boss is like, "Well, I don't need you for Friday. Take off if you'd like." We'd still have to come in on Friday. Because IT'S THE LAWWWWW. I also like to sleep. I try to get as much sleep as I possibly can. The formula I use to maximize my sleep and minimize work time during the daylight period is called the Reason For Living Ratio. It is fairly simple, just figure out what is the earliest you can get to work, what is the average amount it takes to get ready, and how much you want to sleep.
Circling back to my Karma, I am late. Sometimes purposefully, but sometimes I also just forget that I have a job. But the vast majority of the time, I am scurrying along with all the others to work. My private New Years Resolution was to never get in after 10. I've broken that 5 times so far. Four of which have been in the last two weeks. I can attest that these four instances do not reflect the possibility that I am lazy. For instance, today I wanted to get to work early. Earlier than usual actually, because I knew I'd be getting in later tomorrow because of a doctor appointment. I look up to see when the metro leaves the station so I can be there when it arrives. I leave and get to the station without a hitch. It's when I get to the escalators, it all goes to shit. DC is a tourist town. Just like NYC and San Francisco, I guess, each year trabillions come to DC, and it all starts in the spring. Well, this must be the first week. There was a grade of school kids (I'm not talking a class on field trip here, it was A GRADE) trying to walk down the single down-escalator (which of course happens to not be working today.) How I would have thought bringing 150 little kids could be at all easy if I were a teacher planning this is beyond me. So, the escalator is literally at a standstill with these kids, who are not moving. I feel like I should have brought a machete as I try to get through this jungle of little kid. One third of the way down, my train comes. I start pushing a little harder, but don't want just push these kids out of the way, because, well, I'm not that bad of a guy. The doors open for the train. Two-thirds down. Keep pushing, keep pushing. "Stand Clear Of The Doors." That's my last call, and I'm on the platform! All I have to do is make it through this last swarm of kids and... shit.
Well, c'est la vie. I can always wait for the next train. After all, I'll definitely be ready for that one! So, I get on the next one fifteen minutes later, with the rest of the ten-year olds. I'm standing in the middle of the car, holding one of the sidebars because we are all crammed in like sardines when halfway down the tunnel we come to a complete stop. Now this is when metro train operators can get really annoying. 99% of the time they stop, it is because there is another train sharing the same track ahead of them that needs to go on. So, in order to not collide with that train, we stop somewhere in the tunnel. Now, if the operator already has this piece of information, would it be necessary to start the train back up again, go about 50 feet and then make another complete stop? I only make this point in the defense of the hundred or so people having to hold their balance on the train while the operator pumps the breaks. This happens from start to finish. Thinking I was going to somehow arrive at 9:15, I am getting in just as the grace period ends for 9:45.